Reflection: Being Myself

I have just finished my first week of my junior year in high school, and I felt that the changes I have had over the summer influenced my actions and thoughts greatly.

I will begin by describing a bit of my school and the courses I am taking this year, as well as other things I have started to do and prepare for. My school is named Woodberry Forest, an all boys school in Orange, Virginia. We have around 400 to 500 boys at our school, as well as a huge campus with woods and river, as well as many different buildings and facilities. This year, I have a much more rigorous course compared to last year. I am taking Honors Music Theory, Honors Biology, Honors Applications of Engineering, Honors English, Honors Calculus B, and Honors Atlantic History for the whole year, and Bible and Religion for just one trimester. This year, I plan on taking four AP exams which comes with my courses: AP Music Theory, AP Biology, one of the AP English exams, and AP Calculus B.

In addition to these courses, I also plan on starting a philosophy club, continue writing in this blog, and engage in a number of other projects, such as working on video-game design with a friend, and doing another project on the appreciation and intertwining of art, music, and literature. I am also participating in tennis and squash as well. So that is a general 'plan' for my year, and I think my summer has improved my abilities in many ways.

First, it gave me the courage and confidence to approach so many things at once. The course load itself would already take me enough time, and I have to spend my extra time between projects, sports, and clubs. This is a mindset I would not have had before. Instead of thinking "I already have enough work, so I don't need to participate in other things," I thought, "Hey, the work might be a lot, but there are these things that I want to do and spend time on that would benefit myself more than anyone else." Even more than this, I over came peer pressure. In some places, people sort of look down on those who 'study too much', or 'nerdy'. This summer has made me realize that these voices contained the unhappiness and emotions of other people, and I should not let myself be affected by the anger or emotions of others, and keep doing what I want; because in the future, the true friends that I will have will be those that supports me along the way, not those who criticize me for what I do. Starting the club has also helped me overcome part of my unwillingness to interact with others as well as my hesitation towards leadership. Although I am still getting a lot figured out, I am now more willing to be the one who calls others when I need help, to advertise for the club, and to organize an event even when no one else brings it up.

Secondly, my meditation and practice of focus has helped me a lot to focus in class, when doing homework, and even writing this essay now. I find that I am able to concentrate for much longer periods of time in class, which allows me to absorb more information while generating ideas in a discussion, and helps me design and organize better a group project in engineering. This makes my learning efficient in a way I did not imagine before, when my thoughts could often float around to other things without my noticing. Now, even if my thoughts do float around, I am able identify that quickly and pull myself back to listening to class or working. This has and will increase my ability to do more work in a limited period of time, as well as help me succeed in both school and extracurricular activities.

Thirdly, it has also helped me open my perspective toward new things, people, and relationships as well. In my sophomore year, history was my least favorite class mostly because of the boring, sleepy lectures that my teacher gave to us. He probably did not want to teach us either. Since then, I have developed a dislike of history. However, this year, I still had to take a history course, and instead of having a predetermined mindset of hating history and taking it just because I had to, I opened my view on it despite my previous bad experience with it. What I found was that, history, like any other subject, could be interesting when I am able to engage and focus both during class discussion, which prompted me to think about different perspectives, and my readings, from which I learned much more than before.

My relationships with people changed as well. Previously, I had a 'fear' of an awkward conversation or of others laughing at me when speaking, and that sometimes lead to me saying things that were only partly true or an unwillingness to speak to anyone overall. Now, I am able to say almost anything honestly without fear of being awkward or laughed at, because one, I find that being honest is the best way to keep a conversation going, and two, if someone laughs at me for saying something honest, I probably shouldn't be having a conversation with him. So this year, I was able to, instead of making unproductive 'small talk' or engage in unnecessary conversations, I tried telling what I meant directly, and avoiding any conversation that I felt was unproductive. Through this, I found much more of when and where I could talk to learn and participate in something thoughtful, and found people, the 'whos' I can often make meaningful conversation with.

In the end, I found my summer experience extremely useful in my school environment, from focusing in classes to conversing in more meaningful and honest conversation, from exploring my leadership potential to opening my mind to things I did not like so much before. Through this, I found more of myself and who 'I' actually am. Perhaps it was still as abstract as a strange loop that I imagine to exist, but I know now, at least, I am getting closer to understanding that abstraction than ever before.